Only Himself; SGA; PG13
Aug. 29th, 2008 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morgynleriTitle: Only Himself
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Rating: PG13
Characters: Rodney McKay, Carson Beckett, Elizabeth Weir
Notes: AU from Sunday. A "what if Rodney did go fishing with Carson". Feedback welcome.
Rodney is almost grateful for the radio call from Atlantis requesting he and Carson return immediately - a graditude tempered by the facts of the emergency that called them back. Especially when Sheppard says Teyla had been injured, and Zelenka tells him that witnesses had said Doctor Hewston had simply exploaded. That, though, gives him an inkling what might have been the cause.
"Check the database for information on the lab Hewston and Watson were cataloguing yesterday. They activated a machine in there - it might have something to do with the explosion. Oh, and isolate Watson as soon as possible, just in case."
Zelenka is skeptical, but he says he'll do it, and Rodney is glad that at least one of his subordinates has a brain in his head, even if half the time he's convinced Zelenka doesn't use it to the fullest extent.
It doesn't help his sense of impending doom when he's told Watson is in surgery - shrapnel in his leg, and he was in the blast zone, and Rodney is convinced the universe hates him for a moment. He tries to get Carson to fly faster, and very nearly takes him up on the offer to fly if he thought he could make it go any faster.
The feeling only gets worse when he's told the machine causes explosive tumours, and he repeats the need to isolate Watson. There's nothing else he can do except hope that the city isn't destroyed because he isn't there to make them listen to him. Really listen.
Another explosion rocks the tower as they land, and Rodney bolts for the control room almost before he's certain they're not crashing into the ocean. The tower was built to withstand an awful lot, after all, and for once, just once, he's taking it for granted as he nearly slides down the railing, catching the attention of those in the control room a bit more than he intended.
"Did you isolate Watson?" is the first of many questions clamoring for answers that he gets out of his mouth, and the tightening of Elizabeth's expression tells him more than he wants to know. "How many?"
"Doctor Cole surgically removed the tumour, but she and her assistant, as well as Doctor Watson, were still in the blast zone when it exploded. We don't know anything else yet, not until the marines clear the OR."
"You told them to get out of there." It's just shy of a question, because Rodney's sure Sheppard would have told them that if Elizabeth hadn't.
"She sent most of the surgery team out before she removed the tumour. It was her choice to stay." Elizabeth doesn't look happy about it, and Rodney feels a niggling urge to tear someone's head off with a nicely worded lecture on stupidity, but he can't. There is no one to yell at who hasn't already had the consequences blow up in their face.
The thought that it could have been Carson in surgery to fix Doctor Watson, and the chances that he'd have been the one to do something stupidly heroic crosses Rodney's mind, and he's suddenly selfishly glad Katie told him she couldn't afford the distraction from her work today, even if it was only babysitting ferns. Otherwise he might have not gone, and who knows if Carson would have made it out to the mainland to go fishing with someone else?
"I'll be in my lab, making sure there's no way someone can do something this stupid again," he snaps, instead of asking any of the other questions he wants answered, or saying anything about the other thoughts swirling in his head. He can't afford to let something like this happen again, can't afford to risk the city - or his friends.
He knows he can't actually stop people from doing stupid things, and activating technology they don't have the first clue what to do with, but he can at least make sure that no one uses that lab, or gets near enough that machine to activate it again. After all, he doesn't need to have his subordinates, no matter how foolish or stupid, blowing up on him again. Or succumbing to other gruesome, terrifying, preventable deaths caused by their own carelessness or misfortune. It looks bad, after all, even if dying because he screwed up doesn't look much better.
At least then he can feel the guilt is justified, instead of trying to assuage a guilt that shouldn't exist, because it wasn't him who did something stupid. Or foolishly heroic that didn't actually suceed.
"You did everything you could, Rodney." Carson is standing in the door of his lab, and Rodney isn't entirely certain how long he's been standing there - or what time it is, actually. "No one's blaming you for this."
Except himself. Because he should have double-checked that there wasn't anything dangerous about that machine - it was emitting radiation! - and he didn't. And he can see in Carson's haunted expression that the doctor blames himself as well for taking off to the mainland for a bit of fishing after the entertainment of the late-night visit with the two dead scientists after that fiasco in the lab.
He almost interprets it as blaming him, Rodney, but a shift in Carson's posture, or a shift in his brain, keeps him from snapping out a retort to that effect. He slouches against the desk, tired, and more than a little frightened by the possible consequences of actions and reactions over the last two days. So many more people could have died - people more important that those who were dead could have died.
Carson gives him some sedatives and an express order to at least get one night's sleep from them before he throws himself into work to keep the guilt at bay. His friend knows him far too well, but Rodney actually does as suggested, if only after blustering about not following Carson's orders, and spending four more hours in his lab.
There's the incident with Colonel Ellis and the Replicators, and Rodney's too busy trying to save the city and save the day to remember that he feels guilty about that, and then they're adrift in space with Elizabeth dying and maybe a day's worth of power and he really can't be bothered with guilt, not with so much at stake. Pressure, and brilliance and losing Elizabeth to the Replicators - even if they should now attack the Wraith, and buy them some time
It's not until they're settled on a new planet, safe and sound, that he thinks about Hewston and Watson and Cole and the others. And now he adds Elizabeth to that mental list, and he takes time to think about the ghosts before diving headfirst back into his work, and letting other thoughts push those to the back of his mind. He can't do anything to bring them back, so he tries not to think too hard about them, and he pretends the nightmares don't happen, and he keeps going. Because that's all he can do.
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Rating: PG13
Characters: Rodney McKay, Carson Beckett, Elizabeth Weir
Notes: AU from Sunday. A "what if Rodney did go fishing with Carson". Feedback welcome.
Rodney is almost grateful for the radio call from Atlantis requesting he and Carson return immediately - a graditude tempered by the facts of the emergency that called them back. Especially when Sheppard says Teyla had been injured, and Zelenka tells him that witnesses had said Doctor Hewston had simply exploaded. That, though, gives him an inkling what might have been the cause.
"Check the database for information on the lab Hewston and Watson were cataloguing yesterday. They activated a machine in there - it might have something to do with the explosion. Oh, and isolate Watson as soon as possible, just in case."
Zelenka is skeptical, but he says he'll do it, and Rodney is glad that at least one of his subordinates has a brain in his head, even if half the time he's convinced Zelenka doesn't use it to the fullest extent.
It doesn't help his sense of impending doom when he's told Watson is in surgery - shrapnel in his leg, and he was in the blast zone, and Rodney is convinced the universe hates him for a moment. He tries to get Carson to fly faster, and very nearly takes him up on the offer to fly if he thought he could make it go any faster.
The feeling only gets worse when he's told the machine causes explosive tumours, and he repeats the need to isolate Watson. There's nothing else he can do except hope that the city isn't destroyed because he isn't there to make them listen to him. Really listen.
Another explosion rocks the tower as they land, and Rodney bolts for the control room almost before he's certain they're not crashing into the ocean. The tower was built to withstand an awful lot, after all, and for once, just once, he's taking it for granted as he nearly slides down the railing, catching the attention of those in the control room a bit more than he intended.
"Did you isolate Watson?" is the first of many questions clamoring for answers that he gets out of his mouth, and the tightening of Elizabeth's expression tells him more than he wants to know. "How many?"
"Doctor Cole surgically removed the tumour, but she and her assistant, as well as Doctor Watson, were still in the blast zone when it exploded. We don't know anything else yet, not until the marines clear the OR."
"You told them to get out of there." It's just shy of a question, because Rodney's sure Sheppard would have told them that if Elizabeth hadn't.
"She sent most of the surgery team out before she removed the tumour. It was her choice to stay." Elizabeth doesn't look happy about it, and Rodney feels a niggling urge to tear someone's head off with a nicely worded lecture on stupidity, but he can't. There is no one to yell at who hasn't already had the consequences blow up in their face.
The thought that it could have been Carson in surgery to fix Doctor Watson, and the chances that he'd have been the one to do something stupidly heroic crosses Rodney's mind, and he's suddenly selfishly glad Katie told him she couldn't afford the distraction from her work today, even if it was only babysitting ferns. Otherwise he might have not gone, and who knows if Carson would have made it out to the mainland to go fishing with someone else?
"I'll be in my lab, making sure there's no way someone can do something this stupid again," he snaps, instead of asking any of the other questions he wants answered, or saying anything about the other thoughts swirling in his head. He can't afford to let something like this happen again, can't afford to risk the city - or his friends.
He knows he can't actually stop people from doing stupid things, and activating technology they don't have the first clue what to do with, but he can at least make sure that no one uses that lab, or gets near enough that machine to activate it again. After all, he doesn't need to have his subordinates, no matter how foolish or stupid, blowing up on him again. Or succumbing to other gruesome, terrifying, preventable deaths caused by their own carelessness or misfortune. It looks bad, after all, even if dying because he screwed up doesn't look much better.
At least then he can feel the guilt is justified, instead of trying to assuage a guilt that shouldn't exist, because it wasn't him who did something stupid. Or foolishly heroic that didn't actually suceed.
"You did everything you could, Rodney." Carson is standing in the door of his lab, and Rodney isn't entirely certain how long he's been standing there - or what time it is, actually. "No one's blaming you for this."
Except himself. Because he should have double-checked that there wasn't anything dangerous about that machine - it was emitting radiation! - and he didn't. And he can see in Carson's haunted expression that the doctor blames himself as well for taking off to the mainland for a bit of fishing after the entertainment of the late-night visit with the two dead scientists after that fiasco in the lab.
He almost interprets it as blaming him, Rodney, but a shift in Carson's posture, or a shift in his brain, keeps him from snapping out a retort to that effect. He slouches against the desk, tired, and more than a little frightened by the possible consequences of actions and reactions over the last two days. So many more people could have died - people more important that those who were dead could have died.
Carson gives him some sedatives and an express order to at least get one night's sleep from them before he throws himself into work to keep the guilt at bay. His friend knows him far too well, but Rodney actually does as suggested, if only after blustering about not following Carson's orders, and spending four more hours in his lab.
There's the incident with Colonel Ellis and the Replicators, and Rodney's too busy trying to save the city and save the day to remember that he feels guilty about that, and then they're adrift in space with Elizabeth dying and maybe a day's worth of power and he really can't be bothered with guilt, not with so much at stake. Pressure, and brilliance and losing Elizabeth to the Replicators - even if they should now attack the Wraith, and buy them some time
It's not until they're settled on a new planet, safe and sound, that he thinks about Hewston and Watson and Cole and the others. And now he adds Elizabeth to that mental list, and he takes time to think about the ghosts before diving headfirst back into his work, and letting other thoughts push those to the back of his mind. He can't do anything to bring them back, so he tries not to think too hard about them, and he pretends the nightmares don't happen, and he keeps going. Because that's all he can do.