There's a Mirror On the Wall

A recipe for a lack of a stovetop and a craving for a sweet dessert, and being frustrated with what’s in my apartment to make noms with. Also, not in the mood for chocolate.

Equipment:

• 1 microwave oven
• 1 electric pressure cooker or rice pot
• 2 microwave safe bowls, able to hold up to 2 cups of liquid to be safe
• 1 fork
• 1 standard sized spoon
• at least 2 hot pads and a place to put a hot pot

Ingredients:

• 2 large eggs
• 1 20oz can of crushed pineapple
• 2/3 cup of heavy cream (might be called whipping cream. No, milk is not a good substitute. Half and half maybe if it’s actually half and half and not any of the abomination called “low fat” half and half. The fat content is actually important)
• granulated sugar (brown sugar might do, but it changes the moisture content and thus the chemistry. On the other hand, if you want to experiment with that, go for it!)
• 1 cup of medium or short grain rice (long grain rice will do in a pinch, extra-long grain is Right Out)
• salt (table salt, sea salt, comes in colors, just not flavored)
• water
• 4-6 tablespoons of butter (if you can’t do dairy, try coconut oil or other oils, but do. not. use. margerine.)

How to make this:

Into your cooker’s inner pot goes the rice and the pineapple (juice and all!), and however much water your cooker says for that much rice (my pressure cooker says 1.5 cups). Set that to cook.

Cream goes into one microwave safe bowl and goes into the microwave for 60 seconds or until it gets hot, whichever comes second.

While the cream is in the microwave, crack your eggs into the second bowl, and use the fork to turn them into lightly beaten eggs that are all vaguely homogenized.

Take the cream out of the microwave and add 2.5 spoons of sugar. Using the eating spoon, because I did not bother to use an actual measuring spoon to come up with this.

Stir the sugar into the cream until it’s dissolved. Then take one spoon of the hot cream and pour it into your eggs, and use the fork to incorporate it fully. Lather rinse repeat until you can’t spoon more cream that way, even tilting the bowl up to concentrate the remainder. Than pour that last bit in. Keep stirring the entire time. If you need to rest, do it after you’ve gotten whatever spoonful you were stirring in fully incorporated.

Stick it back in the microwave for 10-15 seconds. Stir thoroughly. Continue until you get the first curdles, then leave it be.

Wait for the rice and pineapple to finish cooking. Do not recommend scrolling tumblr while waiting. (... first time my pineapple and rice were waiting for fifteen minutes past finished cooking when I did that.)

Take inner pot out of cooker after turning it off.

Stir in custard and butter. Pretend you’re Gollum with the One Ring and hiss at anyone who attempts to take away your precious treat. Salt to taste.

Omnomnomnom.

... *takes a deep breath*

Life is better when the alchemy of sugar, cocoa, and butter is applied. It doesn't have to be perfectly smooth or perfectly homogenous. It can be a lumpy double batch of microwave fudge dotted with kernals of sugar where the cocoa didn't mix in well, but the butter soaked in nicely. But. Fudge.

(and if the alchemy is furthered by additions of eggs and flour to make brownies, or by smashed into pieces nuts, that does not suck either. For now, I have ~2 pounds of delicious fudge and while I will share the recipe, this bowl of it is entirely mine.)

2-minute Microwave Fudge

Ingredients:

1 pound powdered sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
1/4 cup cream
8 tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Equipment:

microwave
large bowl
spoon
maybe a fork
measure cup

Instructions:

Combine sugar and cocoa and salt. Sift if you want a more homogenous mix, otherwise with a spoon or fork until it looks well-mixed.

Measure your cream (or milk) and vanilla in the measure cup before adding to the dry ingredients, they'll distribute more evenly that way.

Mix, but don't worry if a lot of the sugar/cocoa mix is still dry.

Put butter on top.

Put in microwave for two minutes on high.

Stir softened melty butter in and stir until smoothish. Some of it won't incorporate immediately. Some of it may not incorporate at all.

You can then put it in the fridge for an hour or freezer for half an hour, and let it cool quicker. Or you can have a bowl of delicious hot fudge to nom on until it cools, and periodically remix the butter in, and it will eventually all incorporate. It will by lumpy, but it will be very tasty.